What We Really Want… For Real

Women’s magazines: Can’t live with them, can’t live without getting inundated with them in the grocery store check-out line.


A staple of the women’s mag is the “what he really wants” article. Apparently, women are dying to know how to make us happier — either in bed, in a marriage, in a relationship, at work or on a date.


If that statement seems like a break with reality, then we’re in agreement. I’ve known more than a few women. It’s news to me that they’re desperate to find out how to please us.


For the sake of being prepared — just in case — let’s examine some recent “findings” from the surveys and opinions the women’s magazines are proffering as advice for our ladies. Call it “opposition research.” Or at least you’ll know when your special lady is working on you.


More oral sex
According to  GalTime.com, as found on The Huffington Post, this is the No. 1 thing men want under the category of “what he really wants in bed.” The author goes on to explain that this is not a surprise finding and that we don’t “necessarily want only oral.” The author even endorses the practice if reciprocated.


Fact or crap? Fact! (See also: well, duh!; hallelujah; damn straight and yeeeaah!) Thank goodness this mystery has now been revealed. The key part of this finding is “more” oral sex. It supposes that no matter how much you’re used to, you want more. If you’re a married man, well, this is obvious. The “OK, it’s your birthday” rate of frequency begs for more oral-tacular attention. If you’re accustomed to a far more frequent occurrence of mouth-to-bits fun-play — doesn’t matter. We’ll take more, please and thank you.


We like it when you talk
Woman’s Day magazine has a thorough list of  10 things men wish women knew about sex.

Number six on the list is this bit of advice. The author states, “Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. … Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts.”


Fact or crap? Crap! First off, we don’t need our ears stimulated. If you (I’m talking to the ladies now) want to stimulate one or more parts of our bodies, the ears don’t make the top 10 list. Please focus your urge to stimulate elsewhere.


I have a question now for both men and women: Have you ever had “dirty” talk that missed the mark? It’s a high-risk gambit, so please take careful aim. Nothing makes “oooooooh” turn into “ewwwwwww” faster than some poorly chosen words. Maybe your potty mouth elicits guffaws of laughter. You might be able to recover from that but things will definitely get interrupted. When the blood is flowing to your moving parts, interruption is not what you want.


On the other hand, praise and encouragement are good — and more natural. You don’t even have to engage the language part of your brain — let the blood keep flowing to the more animalistic parts of your noggin (and other important organs) and worry less about words. Go ahead and make some appreciative sounds, though.


As for instructive talking … what is this, a training film? if things aren’t working, that’s one thing. However, let’s dial back on the “instruction” part of the proceedings and stay in the moment. Focus, people!


We’re not serious about a second (or subsequent) date
Marieclaire.com’s blog  . A Year of Living Flirtatiously, nails this one. The author takes this important turning point head on when she writes, “He will talk in concrete terms about a future plan. … As long as he goes to the trouble of talking about specifics in any way, that’s a good sign.”


Fact or crap? Fact! Busted! The word is out — they’re on to this one. If we really want a second or next date, we’ll make the effort. Keep that in mind if you’re wavering about if/when you want to go out again with your gal. If you leave it loose, she knows this is code — even if you don’t realize what you’re really saying.